Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Say something about gay babies.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
why is half of my head shaved?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
