I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
