Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
