I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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