what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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