What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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