Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
