smell my finger.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
