Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
