i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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