i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
not ubering you a puppy
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
