apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
