My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
