My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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