how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You are the jesus of drinking
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
