my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
