The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
