I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
