I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
