Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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