capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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