I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
