I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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