Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
