my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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