Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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