alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
