Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
