I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
