bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
