When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
