Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
