please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
