some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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