i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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