I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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