i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
