i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
