What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
