I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
