Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
