I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
