Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All the doctor said was why
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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