i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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