I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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