Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
