You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
