I wish my penis had an off switch
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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