My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
