I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
