six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize