Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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