i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
