I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's blow job season.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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