now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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