I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
