sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
